April 4, 2009 Journal Page

I haven't been feeling very happy lately. This bothered me for a while. I kept thinking 'What is WRONG with me? Why can't I be happy????' This morning it came to me, like a slap upside the head from the Powers That Be. There is NOTHING wrong with not feeling happy every moment of every day. In fact, it would be even stranger if I, we, YOU, did all experience happiness like that. We're human beings and our emotional state is not static. Our emotions ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean. Sometimes the flow is gentle, caressing, like a kiss from a lover in our youths. Sometimes it is tumultuous, raging, like the waves during a hurricane. And that's OK.

In fact, it is more than OK. It's the way it suppose to be. Which makes me wonder: Why do so many people spend their lives trying to convince themselves and others how happy they are? How totally and absolutely wonderful their lives are with nothing getting in the way of their joyous overflowing of happiness????? I know a lot of people like this. They spend so much time talking about how great their lives are, how they have happiness beyond measure, etc. etc. but you know what? I'm not buying it. No one can be that totally happy at all times. No one's life is so great that they never have a moment of sadness or a moment where they wish things were slightly better. Unless of course they're on mood altering drugs and even then I don't think they'd be totally happy.

Right now I say to you: Admit that you are not always happy. Give yourself permission to be sad once in a while. I'm not talking depressive, taking over your life sadness. I'm talking sadness that comes to you once in a while. The cyclic kind that's caused by stress, illness, a rotten job, LIFE in general. It's OK to be unhappy. The unhappy moments in our lives show us what happiness truly is. It makes us step back and look for the blessings in our lives, no matter how small. It's a necessary emotion that we, as humans, need. If we didn't have that then we wouldn't be here. We'd have ascended to a higher plane of existence where happiness and perfect balance are the norm. In other words, we'd cease to be human and become a Higher Being. Angel, Spirit, Light-Bearer, whatever you want to call it or believe in. A fine goal to be sure, but right now, at this very moment, I prefer to be human. To jump into the Void of my sadness and see what happens. Embrace the emotion and learn from it. And by doing so, I know that happiness will return.

I'm reading 'The Sixteen Pleasures' by Robert Hellenga right now. I have to say it is totally captivating! I've only read 59 pages so far, but in those 59 pages there have been many Wow moments that have made me stop and think. I highly recommend picking up a copy, reading it slowly and taking the time to mull over what has been revealed. And don't let the description of the book fool you. It is far more than a novel dealing with art treasures that were almost lost in a flood. There's life wisdom there. Deep, raw, personal and zen-like wisdom that makes you want to roll the words around in your mouth, tasting them to their fullest.

A New Beginning

The last 6 months of 2008 were painful ones. Both physically and emotionally. Naturally, the majority of the art I made in that time reflects this. Dark images, vivid splashes of color that signify anger, grief, disbelief, frustration and all the other "dark time of the soul" adjectives you can think of were there in abundance. A group of work that is raw and full of deep emotion ,these pieces helped me to release the darkness so that I could return to the light.

Many people are afraid to let their darkness in for fear that it will take over their lives. I'm not one of them. I know that each one of us is made up of many facets of dark and light. That we all need those times of darkness in order to appreciate the gifts life has to offer. In order to renew our Spirituality and become whole again.

However, the art and journaling I've done for the past few months will remain private for now. Even though I've returned to the light I'm not ready to share the dark parts with the world. With friends and family, yes. With strangers, no. That's just the way I am. I'm definitely not one to expose my wounds to the world at large so they can be examined, poked at or analyzed.

Luckily my brief sojourn through the dark valley of the soul has given me renewed energy. In the past few weeks I've spent many hours working on my art journals, on mixed media paintings and creative pursuits in general. My creativity hasn't been confined to the studio, but has expanded into every room of the house. Sitting on the back porch watching the snow fall while doodling in a journal, curled up on the couch with scissors, glue and an altered book or painting pages in the kitchen while making a pot of soup are some of the creative moments I've enjoyed lately.

My life is FILLED with art. Every aspect of it is being touch by the creative spirit and I feel as if this is a new beginning. A new chapter in my life unfolds as I journey through each day. A desire to blog again, laugh again or share time with friends is what the Yuletide season brought me. I hope the end of the old year and the start of the new was just as good to you.

Remembering Leah

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. An early morning phone call from my mother conveyed the news that a horse we knew and loved had escaped from her paddock, along with two other horses, been struck by a car and killed. One of the horses survived, but Leah and a young horse did not.

We knew Leah because she belonged to our friends and former barn managers. They moved to California last year and because of Leah's advanced age were not able to take her with them. Transporting horses from one coast to the other is not an easy feat and it produces a lot of stress on the animals. Even the youngest and healthiest of horses come off the trailer at the end of their journey exhausted. As much as our friends loved Leah they knew transporting her clear across the country was not an option. For her sake they worked to find her another home. And they did. A nice back yard barn where she would be loved, cared for and well taken care of.

Leah was happy in her new home. The new owners ended up getting two more horses to keep her company, she had other animals such as goats and llamas to boss around and she was well loved.

We'll never know what caused the three horses to break through their fencing and run into the road. It was early morning, the sun hadn't risen yet and horses don't typically run off in the dark. They are flight animals however and when threatened in some manner their instinct is to run. Which they did with tragic results.

Our hearts are broken. I spent all day yesterday sobbing off and on and had a pain in my heart. The worst part, for me, was that I knew no one had called California to let Leah's human family know what had happened so I made the call. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but I would not let them find out by word of mouth or by seeing it discussed on one of the equestrian forums.

Leah was a beautiful, sweet mare who brought a lot of joy into all of our lives. She will be sorely missed.

news article

On the Darker Side

I'm currently in an ATC swap for Art On The Darker Side. To me, the Darker Side isn't so much dark but emotional, raw and REAL. It is the side of us that doesn't live by societal rules. It's where our deepest emotions reside. A place where we are truly ourselves, imperfections, hang ups and all. Creating so called "darker art" can be very powerful & freeing. It can also make some people feel very uncomfortable when confronted with the rawness of another's emotions. But, art is all about feelings, both negative and positive. I for one embrace that.